Anger & Vulnerability

Anger

Anger is an interesting combination of power-over and powerlessness. When we feel powerless, trapped, or without a way to get what we want, one strategy is collapsing into resignation and hopelessness.

It is just as common to react through raging against the powerlessness. To lash out, intimidate, bully, and take our frustration out on those around us. As life’s traumas add up and get to the point of “Enough!” people who are normally passive can flip and move into anger and power-over behaviors. It’s the battered wife that suddenly snaps and kills her abusive husband, or the student activists that flip into rioting and violent demonstrations to get seen and heard.

Anger is telling us that we want something to be different and feel powerless to get it. Since we can’t get it, we flip into extreme power-over in the form of rage. Rage rarely gets us what we want without consequences.

Exercise: Is there a common pattern for when you feel angry? When have you been the most angry? Why? What were you desiring? Why did you feel powerless?

Though on the surface they may seem very different, vulnerability can also point to a power dynamic.

Vulnerability

Author and researcher Brené Brown has brought to the forefront of our collective consciousness the gift of vulnerability. I love her work and her approach. She shares that there is a lot to this simple word. I too have found that vulnerability is an important concept and also a bit tricky when viewed from the perspective of power.

When we feel vulnerable, what is going on? Often, vulnerability is the feeling of powerlessness. I am at the mercy of the other person or the situation. When we choose to share or act from vulnerability, we are taking a risk and are uncertain of the reaction or outcome. Being courageous, taking risks and being willing to reveal yourself are important, but using vulnerability in this way has a power dynamic embedded. It often implies that the other person has the power. “I’m afraid if I tell you this, you are going to leave or not love me anymore.” In this scenario, the other person has all the power. How they respond will determine if we get what we want or not. “I have to be brave so that I might get what I want and be willing to live with the consequences of a reaction when taking that risk.”

When the feeling of vulnerability comes up, it shows us where we are externalizing our power and where we might be twisted in our understandings around Connection, Expression, Purpose and Growth. I find that a shift happens when we can recognize the feeling of vulnerability and reframe it from aligned power (the third perspective of power), we are choosing to reveal ourselves, to share our desire and our fear.

“We are in new territory and I am scared, but I am choosing to reveal myself. I am choosing to share my perspective. I am choosing to let you see me.” This stance has a very different feeling. You are choosing. The power is yours even if it feels scary. You are naming the desire which is stronger than the fear.

This stance encourages the other person to honestly respond. You recognize that the other person or persons have their right to think and feel whatever comes up for them. When you are in aligned power, you encourage the other person to be in their aligned power without the pressure of us wanting them to react a certain way. We are taking responsibility for our choice to reveal ourselves and giving them freedom to be themselves.

Exercise: When do you most often feel vulnerable? Is it under certain circumstances? With certain people? The next time you feel vulnerable, see if you can shift it to choosing to reveal yourself. What happens when you say “I am choosing to share and reveal myself right now, and am okay with however they respond”?  How does it feel different?