Identity
Identity is one of those words that we use but don’t often think about its meaning. In psychology, this broad term describes the collection of qualities, beliefs, personality, and expressions that define a person or group. Pretty big territory.
I think of identity as the ways we take on external representations of who we think we are or want to be. Sameness is a common way we create Connection. Identity is a close cousin. With identity, we do not focus on belonging. Instead we focus on how groups, nationality, our belongings are us. We identify with and make those external labels a part of us, or project ourselves onto a group, object, or values, and so on, and it becomes us.
Of the many ways we identify ourselves, here are a few:
- Race—I am black, white, etc.
- Roles—I am a father, I am a CEO.
- Gender—Assigned sex, sexual orientation.
- Nationality—American, Russian, Chinese.
- Objects—I’m the kind of person who drives a BMW.
- Beliefs—I’m someone who believes….
- Judgements—I am worthless, I am stupid, I should be better.
- Values—I am someone who values honesty. I am honest.
- Emotions—I am a depressed person. I am a happy person.
- Patterns of behavior—A procrastinator, someone who is always late.
- I am my past—A survivor, a cheater.
- The Four Forces—I am a connection person. I have an important purpose. I am someone who achieves and wins (Growth). I am someone who knows who I am and is not afraid to express it.
A skill of Purpose, using identity in this way we are able to make sense of the world and put ourselves into categories with defined labels. “Who am I?” becomes an easier task when we can point to something and say, “I am that.”
But identity is more than that. It is when the labels ARE US and become our sense of self.
I went to see a New England Patriots football game for the first time with my husband, who is a big fan. For me, someone who has never been to Gillette Stadium before, or any large professional sporting event, it was quite the experience. I felt like an anthropologist suddenly dropped into a remote tribe with no preparation. I have watched games on TV, and it seemed pretty obvious that the tribal connection was a fun aspect and motivating reason to watch the game. We cheer for our team. We are with a group of fans supporting our team. What I didn’t understand until I experienced an in-person game was that many of the people there were not just individuals coming together to cheer on a team. They are the Patriots. They are the team. They are dressed in the colors and logos. Every personal foul is experienced as a personal assault. When a Patriot player makes a touch down “We make a touch down.” While I enjoyed the game, and it was easy to get swept up in the excitement, I didn’t identify as a Patriot, and therefore, my experience was different.
Identity Politics
Rather than the two major US political parties that have traditionally had a more moderate and centric overlap, identity politics has created a new political landscape. People from similar backgrounds, race, religion, and so on, form their own factions and alliances, which are in turn influencing the traditional parties in dramatic ways. These factions also have a very specific idea of what the world should look like based on their perspective, “My perspective should be everyone’s.”
Identity has also become popular as a topic related to gender and the politics of gender. The distinctions being made are among sex assigned at birth, gender identity, and sexual orientation. Each of these are also now being seen as a spectrum rather than binary. What used to be a choice between male or female has now become a rich array of options around how you identify. It is creating new conversations and plenty of controversy as gender-specified bathrooms have become political.
Identity Is Relative
Identity can be relative depending on the context. Most third-generation Irish Americans commonly have never set foot in Ireland, yet they strongly identify as Irish, sometimes even before American. Both sides of my family are French Canadian, but I never identified as any nationality, even American. Well, not until I lived overseas, and then suddenly I felt very American and realized all the ways that my culture and perspective had been influenced by my birth in America.
The Limits of Identity
When your identities are YOU, change becomes much more challenging since it impacts your sense of self. For example, an athlete who gets injured and can no longer play, or a mother whose kids are moving out. Or our political parties becoming more and more entrenched in an identity makes it hard to create new innovative ways of thinking of things, or of seeing ourselves. It can also happen when things change for the better and you are in a happy new relationship or get the dream job. Some part of us can’t let go of the old identity of someone that is alone or always struggling. These changes can create a void and cause an identity crisis. We often look for the next identity that can fill the void, make us feel ourselves again, or look for a way to fix ourselves so we can be the person we want to be. While experiencing identities dropping away can be disorienting and painful, embracing the loss offers an invitation to explore ourselves in new ways outside the limitations of our past labels.
In the process of understanding ourselves, we often try on different identities and seeing how they fit which can be helpful. Each aspect of identity can give us information and help us to know what we want to choose in our lives. None of them are inherently good or bad. However, when we take them on as “who we are”, they limits us.
Facets & Parts
When we are fully anchored in our uniqueness and have the ability to shift our perspective – identities become facets or parts of ourselves that we can choose to look from. Facets like lenses or windows of perspective, allow us to “Put our mother hat on or take it off” – it is not us, but just a point of view we can consciously choose.
You are a unique point of consciousness… that can shift your perspective and see the world as a mother or father, but you are way more than just a mother or father.
You are a unique point of consciousness…that has a belief that you are lazy. A belief you can change if you want to.
You are a unique point of consciousness…that is afraid and worried about the future. AND this is a part of you. You can also find parts of you that are fine or even excited about the future.
You are a unique point of consciousness…that has a role as an entrepreneur, or coach. And if circumstances change or your desire changes, you can take off the hat of entrepreneur or coach and still be fully you.
You are a unique point of consciousness…that is a citizen, has a heritage, religion, and past. And each of those provides a different perspective that you can choose to look from…but none of them are YOU.
Looking at your list from the excerise in the “WHO ARE YOU?” lesson — what do you hold as identities? Can you shift them to facets or see them as parts of you?