Just the Right Amount of Cowbell
In a classic Saturday Night Live sketch (above), Christopher Walken plays music producer, Bruce Dickins, recording Blue Oyster Cult and their song, “(Don’t Fear) the Reaper.” In the skit, Will Farrell in his role as one of the musicians, is playing the cowbell very enthusiastically. While the exuberant cowbell annoys the other musicians, Christopher Walken declares that the song needs more cowbell and what ensues is a pretty hilarious display of what can happen when one player goes over the top. In the end, the group embraces the cowbell. While in this sketch, more cowbell is better, in real life, too much cowbell makes for a pretty boring song and can be disruptive.
This funny music example goes back to the heart of the Four Forces, learning the skills of a new way of playing together in the world, shifting from an orchestra to a jazz improv mindset. The Stance is a foundational piece of learning this paradigm.
So how do you know what is just the right amount of cowbell? How do you know when it is time for your solo and when to support others? We’ve all been to those meetings or groups where one person dominates the conversation and overshares. How do you share your ideas, but not dominate the conversation, group, or meeting?
It’s important to also note that just the right amount of cowbell does not mean boring. In fact, when we are in the aligned flow of Expression, life is filled with pleasure and the joy of a vibrant, creative life. Our cowbell playing can be just as enthusiastic as Will Farrell’s at the same time that we are connected to the rest of the group. We get to shine and our joy is contagious. We become the spark that ignites other people’s pilot light and helps them shine bright.
Let’s look at two experiments to explore using The Stance as you engage in the world.
Notice Forward or Back
The Quakers have a wonderful practice for their meetings. They hold the intention to bring “neither a determination to speak nor a determination to remain silent.” The belief is that you should share if you feel moved, which is a great example of being in The Stance and waiting for a deeper impulse from your core that is deeply connected to what is happening in the room.
When we have a determination to speak, our energy is forward. Often our body is in the warrior stance, or like a Labrador Retriever, we are excited and jumping all over. You can feel yourself lean forward, a sense of urgency, the impulse to push a certain agenda which can include having a great idea that you need to share with others. This often feels like you are waiting for the starting gun to go off at a race.
When determined to remain silent, you hold back. You can feel yourself pull in, lean back in your chair, arms folded. It can also feel like repulsion or a desire to leave and disengage completely. The reaction can also be an indication of fear to share.
Experiment: When you notice yourself forward or back, take a moment and look at what is going on more closely. What is the desire? Why are you forward or back? Once you have a sense of the reason, bring yourself back to The Stance and look again. From this perspective, what are you wanting to share? How can the reason for the forward or backward energy contribute to what is happening? What is a joyful, aligned way to offer and share your gift or insight? What is the deeper, more powerful sharing that wants to happen? As we dive into Growth, we will explore the idea of “what wants to happen” in more detail.
Flow, Not Firehose
For a larger portion of my life, there was a lot of evidence that I was too much, too intense. I couldn’t figure out why people were having reactions to me even though I was trying really hard to moderate myself. At the same time I was getting feedback that I was too much, I was also receiving a lot of proof that something I had was attractive to people, which added to my confusion. It was exhausting and frustrating trying to figure out how much of myself to share and when.
The analogy that emerged was feeling like I was a huge reservoir of water, in some cases often interacting with people dying of thirst. It was a constant struggle to figure out just the right amount of water to let out of my reservoir each time I met someone. When I let too much out, the reaction was like I had hit them with a firehose. Too little and I felt depressed, shut down, and invisible.
The problem I found was in the question itself. Trying to figure out just the right amount of water each time was an impossible task. That approach was also a bit arrogant and manipulative. “If I could just figure out the right flow, then they would react to me the way I want.” I realized that the only thing I could do was fill up my reservoir and let it flow over the edges. Let the water find its own path of least resistance, and those who wanted to drink or play with me would respond. I simply had to reveal myself and let myself flow from my core.
It’s likely that you don’t want to be a jerk and knowingly coerce people into doing what you want. I find that people who are drawn to the Four Forces often are what I would call power houses and have a high capacity for life force, influence, and impact. I also commonly hear that there is a fear of being too much. A fear of doing harm when fully expressing themselves.
Learning how to flow rather than be the firehose, allows you to attract people who are a match for you. There are no surprises. With flow you are revealing yourself in a beautiful easy way and offering an invitation for others to engage with you in a way that invites their core selves.
Experiment: Notice when you are feeling too much, or worried about how someone is reacting to you. See if you can find The Stance. Hold your core, but at the same time, imagine yourself as flowing from your core. What flows from you? What happens when you stop trying to figure out how much of yourself you should share and instead relax and wait for the feeling of relaxed flow from you? Can you stop trying, and from deep alignment, choose to see what the connection itself is calling you to? What does the space between you feel like, if you relax? What wants to happen in the space between you and another person, not just from you?
Your Normal Is Not Other People’s Normal
There is a reality to being a conscious, high-powered, awake, old soul (or whatever term works for you). You may just be waking up or you may have been on the journey for a long time. When we are more aware, it can often feel like something is incredibly obvious, only to have others not see it at all. You may find that people say things like, “You are easy to talk to,” “I’ve never told anyone this before,” or “I feel so comfortable with you.” And in general, you often are the one that people go to for help or to solve a problem.
It might also feel like you are not able to get away with anything, compared to others. People’s reactions don’t seem to match what feels like a moment of being off. Big consequences result from what feel like small mistakes.
It’s as though we are high horsepower race cars born into a world made for go-carts. We are not taught the skills of power, mastery, and being a martial arts master. We are not taught how to be in full Expression while broken open in Connection. If you are driving a race car, small mistakes do have bigger consequences…especially if you think you are driving a go-cart!
From my experience, when you really know who you are, know your edges, and own that you are a race car, life gets easier and more enjoyable. And rather than having to be more careful, you have more range of Expression and attract more opportunities to open up and feel the exhilaration of full throttle while still in the full dance with life. Mastering how to be in all Four Forces deeply at the same time becomes even more important as is learning the finesse and advanced skills of driving the high-powered vehicle that is you.
Revealing Yourself
Finally, embodying Expression is a choice to reveal yourself and be seen—to allow yourself to be impacted by others while offering your gifts and uniqueness. When you relax into yourself and allow yourself to flow, life flows. Your radiance inspires others. Your contribution to the music is vital and you encourage others to offer their contribution.